How I almost drowned my phone...

I almost drowned my phone today. It happened like half an hour ago.

I was arranging my room like I normally do when I decide to turn over a new leaf and become serious about my school work. Naturally, this happens every Monday, the new leaf not the arranging. The arranging happens when I get a kick from the universe.

So I’m having a test this week. Arranging my room calms me. And I am done in the hour I set out to do it. If the laptop I am using had a web cam I’d show you but this old thing…does not. I miss bluey…. I just named my old laptop. It had blue lights.

I sit down at my desk and I am suddenly ready to attack my work. But I need to put money into the modem so I can search and the credit has been sent to my phone. Hold on a second…where’s my phone???

Every time I lose something it becomes a world war. This was world war 937.

Yeah, I know, the numbers are off the charts, but such is my life.

I looked everywhere I could possibly think of. It had been on my bed so I did this rolling around thing like a dog but nothing. Then I started feeling for it under the duvet. I felt like a mouse searching the corners of a house for cheese, but nothing. No cheese… and so I asked myself… Who Moved My Cheese… pun heavily intended.

I ask the house help for some…help. I didn’t see that coming honestly. I try to call myself but nothing, she has no credit.

Here’s an idea! Maybe I can send her credit from my phone…wait ah crap! My phone is lost.

Here’s where the madness sets in. I’ve sent please call me messages to my friend and mother from the house help’s phone. They are not calling me. So useless!!!

And then I decide to write my suicide note…

Dear world,

It’s happened again. I lost my phone for the fiftieth time this week and it’s only Monday. I realize that this letter is a bit drastic. I haven’t any rope to hang myself, no gun to shoot myself and my pills are all antihistamines so all that is going to do is clear my nose and it won’t kill me. Please understand that I was here…for better references sing Beyonce’s song. It will help.

I don’t know why my first thought after losing my phone is to commit suicide but I’m certain the connection will come to me soon enough plus the plan on how it’s going to go down. So world….

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

I grab the house help’s phone almost dropping it.

Me: hello

Mum: hello Anna.

Me: mum it’s me.

Mum: Wa what are you doing with anna’s phone… ?
Me: I lost it.

Mum: what?

Me: in my room. I lost it in my room.

Mum: are you sure it’s in your room.

Me: yes mum. I had it just a few minutes ago.

Just because you lose like five phones, people start overreacting about the small things.  Okay maybe it’s been six…but who’s counting.

Mum: oh. So you want me to call it?

Me: yes please

Mum: that’s the reason why you wanted me to call you?

Me: yes!

Mum: mmmm…. Sawa.

I sit patiently waiting for my phone to begin vibrating. And then it does. I jump up thinking it’s in my bag but it’s not because when I scoop up my bag and dig inside like I’m looking for gold, I can’t find it. I can still hear it though.

I look at my laundry basket. No way did I put it there. unless…

I dive into the basket head and hands first. I plow through the pile until I reach my bed cover and start to unwrap it.

And there it is…my glorious phone in all grandeur. I pick up the call.

Me: hi mum

Mum: you found it.

Evidently!

Me: yes

Mum: where was it?

Me: in my laundry basket.

Mum: I can’t believe you at all.

Yes, that’s right people. I almost drowned my phone.

Like literally…

p.s ignore the suicide note. I am fine. Couldn’t find anything to off myself with especially COURAGE.

I'm just spit balling here...

Happy new year all you party people!!!!

unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, the world did not end. i always hoped the world would end while i was alive. i mean why would i want to be dead and then when i come back I'll be all zombie looking and weird and the hot guy whom i liked will be there and he'll be seeing me as a corpse with half eaten liver and fairly weird looking brain juice seeping out of my mouth. and because i would be a zombie, i would try to say something to him and it would come out all...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh...baga booga bagdlsikirkrighn...gskgkjgjusopwoihvcn..wklj.

Exactly.

i was seated in a matatu today and i was thinking about one of those traffic rules that have come up of late in Kenya. it was the one that says we pedestrians will pay a hefty fine if found not using a footbridge. 

my thoughts were this. the footbridge that leads to the matatus that i use to go home, is miles away from the stage itself. it also happens to be in front of a very active police station. i don't want to walk miles to a footbridge. i don't even know what distance a mile is without looking at Google. why would i want to subject my sexy bod to that kind of pressure? am i on a drug high?

i played a scenario in my head. I'm busy crossing the road and then suddenly i hear someone shout, "msichana! stop right there!!!"

this is where my Angelina Jolie kicks in! 

There is no way in hell i am stopping because a police man/woman wants to arrest me. no sirree! Wairimu will remember her athletic days and break into a sprint. she will ran away...fast. Only problem is CID is waiting for me. the cop could radio in, but I'm a fast thinker. Jump the Karura forest gate and suddenly my animal instincts.

I've watched hunger games...[because TV has all the answers *wink]. i know how to survive in the forest...I'd be there for days in a tree. avoiding berries, painting my skin green and brown to camouflage with my surroundings using, a special plant that i just made up.

and after seven days of hardcore survival...I'd finally get out and take matatu home...and be gone with the wind...having dramatic survivor stories to tell and knowing full well how to use a bow and arrow and thus enter the life of crime fighting...

or, i could just not get caught and enter the matatu and go home...it seemed to work today... =)