In memory of Dumb... R.I.P

Today I watched a bee die in my room.

It flew in at first all high and mighty.

That’s when I screamed, ‘noooooooooooooo,’ because I hate the sound that bees make when they are in the room. 

Of course no one came to my rescue despite my brother and sister both being present at the time. They claim to love me some days by saying stuff like:

Brother: I’m your favourite brother

Sister: Admit it, you looove me.

At which point I look at them and say, respectively:

Me: You’re my only brother.

Me: Never! :p

Then again, I take what I can get.

Anyway, while I was screaming and fearing my very life because of the sight of the bee and also while nobody was saving my life, the bee flew to the window. 

Except it must have missed the part in our primary science lesson when we were told that windows are transparent and that animals do not have the ability to walk through other solid objects, or fly either. 

So now it’s hitting the window countless times because its brains are not working. The hitting is making the noise even more unbearable and it is distracting me from my couch potato antics of sitting and watching stuff on my bed.

I scream out in anger:

Me: you’re dumb

Dumb bee: bzzzzzzzz...

I walk away before the argument becomes heated. When I come back to my room, it’s now fallen onto the window sill, still buzzing away.

Have you ever tried killing an ant by dropping it from a high surface? Have you noticed it never dies? Am I the only one who has ever tried to fake an ant’s suicide? Don’t mind me, I really hate ants.

Mr. Bee, is trying to get on its feet and it looks positively sad... and pathetic.

Me: how is it you have wings and you fell? You fell!

Dumb bee: bzzzzzzz

Me: oh so do you want my help or are you going to continue being rude?

I think about giving the bee some help, you know all creatures of the world... blah.

Then I think about all the things that have happened to me so far in life:

Ants

Wasp attack 1

Wasp attack 2

Wasp attack 3 [deluxe edition]

That time my cousin was attacked by a wasp.

That time my cousin was stung by a bee and instead of running for help he ran around the compound shouting ‘BEE’ in both English and Kiswahili as if that was going to help him. We stood there and laughed at him instead of helping so I guess it was win: win. Or...

That time my friends all ran away from a sausage fly in primary and they stepped on me.

That time my friends all ran away from a moth in class and they tore my book.

That time my friends all ran away from a flying termite in high school and they stepped on me, dropped some chairs, ruined other peoples bags and caused fracas during a lesson. This was actually really funny!

That time when someone I know was attacked by a bee and I laughed at him and then one week later I was attacked by a bee. Karma

I came to a healthy conclusion after reminiscing over some of the good times with family and friends and decided that I wasn’t going to help said bee up. I mean if I did extend my hand of kindness would it make sure I delivered a bunch of flowers to some parade of flowers so that we can save the rest of its family...wait that’s the plot of that movie ‘Bee Movie’.

Did I even get the it right?

Anyways, what I meant to say was, would it promise to leave me and the rest of my family and friends alone for eternity?

No because you know what? BEES CAN’T NEGOTIATE!!!

Or talk.

BEES CAN’T TALK OR NEGOTIATE!

And so, I left it to wriggle. No I literally left. I wanted to go watch cartoons downstairs.

When I came back though I found the dead bee on my window sill. I’m not sure what to do. Throwing it out seems like it wouldn’t have a good send off. Of course I did just let it die there. So I’m writing a eulogy:

'Bee, was named Dumb. He lived a good life outside these walls and though no pictures of him exist, he shall be missed. Bee, if only you’d just flown out the window you’d come in through. Thank you.

Okay, I lied he or she shall not be missed.'

I’m sleepy...

Goodnight bee

oh wait you're dead.

I can't turn off my thoughts...

Yesterday I watched something and I get weird when I watch something and I start thinking about it's possibilities.

Like what if I woke up one day and half my body was a food? What would I do? Would I eat myself?

I'm thinking with my track record of doing things to see what they feel like, yes I would eat myself. I'm the person who sees the sign, DANGER! DO NOT DRINK and I feel compelled to just have a sip.

I mean what's the worst that could happen?

Imminent death i guess... well that doesn't sound good...hold on a second while I go to the bathroom. There's something I ate... and gave the dog...

I'm kidding... or am I?

But you know what, it would also depend on the food I woke up as.

Like there are certain things I just can't stomach.

Sushi for example...trying that stuff made me want to slit my tongue because it had been tainted. But who would curse me with the painful fate of waking up and finding out that I was half a raw fish? Really? And what would I get the upper half of my body, or lower half? Or would it be down to left and right?

Then because I don't like the taste of sushi, I wouldn't be able to eat myself therefore having to walk the streets of Nairobi smelling like something the cat dragged in if we lived near a lake and the cat could swim and catch it's own fish and be able to hold off on it's hunger until it dragged the fish into the house.

But what if I woke up as a burger or a slice of pizza... mmm let's not lie. I would eat myself because I imagine myself would be really tasty. I would ignore my inner voice and the pain that comes with gobbling down oneself and make sure that I am satisfied.

Of course if that very half that I'm eating should include my stomach... I'm screwed.

OH SH....

I just realized something very crucial I hadn't thought of when I started this... what if the half that I want to eat includes my mouth???? How will I eat myself??? HOW????!!!!

Unless the food is still shaped in the same way as an actual human body...then that might work but that's MIGHT!! My teeth may not be as strong if they are made out of food...

Is there a psychological reason as to why someone might consider eating themselves?

Anyways... I think too much.

I can't turn my thoughts off, they are where the words go when I shut up...

Today's Monday blues...

I'm sick and it feels like my throat wants to explode and i'm going through the process with my parents but this time i just shortened it and told them exactly what's going on. you know i'm not even home just chilling at my best friend's who has exams and since i can't talk, i've decided that endless ranting to you guys is the best idea.

If you'd seen me yesterday you wouldn't think i was the same person. i was running around, jumping up and down like a dog on heat...maybe not a dog, maybe certain people when under the influence. i won't mention names because they know themselves. 

I am now not going to deny or agree [is that grammatical?] that my friends drink like mad men and women but they do...or don't. whatever.

Eee [completely real expression], i just tried talking and i sound like someone kicked me in the throat. it's not sexy...it's sexier... puha....

oh my gosh my dad just texted me. He just wants to know what meds i need... too much progress.

Mother remains silent. 

If you have no idea what I'm talking about just check out this link: When it comes to sick days

I want to send my father that very same email.

Okay so i realize so far that i have not made sense and I am sorry. it's hard to think when your head is pounding. i don't even have enough energy to re read this. i even had to use this weird font. what is it called... Helvatica... that sounds like a cheese... Does it sound like a cheese?

I think so Wairimu.

Thank you Wairimu.

Myself is always right.

I'm even watching news now... I must be sick... like really sick.

News?

Oh, Helvatica.... I think I want that to be my new expression. like...

Random person concerned with my health: hey Wa...

Me: 'sup

Random person concerned with my health: How are you feeling??

Me: Helvatica!

Random person concerned with my health: huh?

Me: yeah you're right it will never stick. damn.

\\\\\\\\\\\ how comes on my laptop when i press that button it doesn't slash! oooh...i have to show you what it does when i get home...

And now i'm just staring at my screen. 

And now i'm wondering why i said that.

And now i'm bored because certain people have to learn and have left me alone in the comfort of their room to release gas as much as I want. I will do just that...  [for future husband, i'm sorry you had to read that]

What's Paralympics?

i need a phone that has internet... that's right mine sucks... best feature: FM radio. I'm in the abc age... yeah....okay i tried taking a webcam photo of my phone but i have no idea what's happening...

Paralympics: An international athletic competition for disabled athletes.

I should have known that

Now look I've lost Helvatica...too tired to get it back.

I need to go so...

yeah[the ending of all good speeches]

Random thought process initiated

Apparently this is what I think about at 4am.

You know what would be awkward, if your friend invited you for a party at her place and then you decided to take a dump during the whole shindig and you ran out of tissue paper mid process and there’s no extra roll. So you are seated there in the toilet panic mode on and you can’t get out.

Meanwhile, the party is on people are screaming and having fun. Then suddenly there is a knock on the door. You can tell that it’s that guy or girl that you like asking to be let in because they want to use the facilities. Now it’s really awkward. Ha ha... so you shout back muffling your voice with the end of your sleeve, if you’re wearing long sleeves, “give me a second.”

If you're not wearing the sleeves, that sucks...

And then the music dies down and you hear someone ask, “Where’s Nani?” Nani being you, you curse the gods for being so cruel especially when someone else says, “she/he said she/he was going to the loo.”

Then there’s a knock on your door again and someone asks, “Nani, are you in the loo?”

Throw caution to wind. “Yes, I need toilet paper. It ishad.”

“It’s underneath the sink, in the cabinet.”

“Right, I knew that.”

This has never actually happened to me but knowing my luck this probably will happen to me or any of my close friends so a warning to all the people i know. i hear bad luck is contagious.

Just kidding

No I’m not.