R.I.P... GIG

My dearest Gig,

I thought that I should write out your eulogy so that you would approve of its content and pass well into the afterlife-provided they have computers, internet and you somehow develop the ability to type and understand English.

that though, is not the point of my letter...

The day that I met you, I thought to myself "Oh, my God not another one." one of the many sentiments I awarded your brothers and their brothers before them- you do know I have no idea what gender you are nor what gender they were.

No matter, you buzzed into my life even though I did not want you there and made an impact - I seriously did not want you there at all. I glanced at you every time you saw the light and like many I shouted the cliché phrase, "Don't go into the light..." I felt I was only doing this for your own good as you kept proving your insanity by ramming your head into that light over and over again. The fear that you would keep going at it and distract me from my studies made me make an easy decision. I turned off the lights and left you alone in the dark... to die.

but you did not.

Your persistence was admirable. I walked back into my room to find you alive and flying and damn was I dissatisfied. there was no way to wipe your beautiful face no your beautiful back from this earth and so I let you be as you were as your brothers Mico and Stah were before you -let me be honest, I just named them now for your benefit in case you were wondering if you had any brothers. for your information, they are at the bottom of the bin. died of natural causes... cross my heart!

I let you meet people; my friends and let me just say, you charmed them and by charmed I mean scared. I let you interact with that light that attracts you so much, I even think you took it upon yourself to leave your bodily fluid on the wall- thanks very much for that by the way, my actual baby was really proud to be part of your ritualistic method of scaring away predators. she however is an inanimate object so maybe next time, in the afterlife, do your research. now i really hope you get a computer with internet. even a phone or a tablet...fingers crossed.

Oh, but waking up this morning, I was surprised by the sudden disappearance of your consistent buzz, your attempts at trying to get out through a window you could not possibly break and frankly the creepy way you appear out of nowhere and disappear to nowhere. And so, because I could not find your body and your ladybird spirit did not lead me to you, I leave you with this letter that I shall read at your funeral...

JUST KIDDING!!!

haha! i have no intention of giving you a funeral.

I do have one request though, could you please tell your family members to lay off my window. it's really annoying to be concentrating on my work and then suddenly....BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

I do not get ladybirds at all.


Sincerely yours,

Me.

OUUUUUUCH!!!

Paper cuts are real people... THEY ARE REAL!

Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

They attack you like they mean business. One day, you are just gathering your things ten minutes to class time and you need to go print the assignment that you just finished five minutes ago and you are trying to find a way to make it to class in seven minutes even though you are eleven minutes away and then suddenly in a twist of fate, one of your printing papers falls in between your index finger and your middle finger on your left hand and BAM CHAKALAKA!!! SLICE AND DICE!!!!

OUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!! and it's still hurting now... several hours after the attack and tears are still streaming down my face [I'm lying, I don't cry. I'm too *sob* tough. I'm like danger in a can or whatever *sob*]

Le Paper cut

 

 

Can you see it? Can you see it? I circled it and everything... It hurts!!!! Oh so very painful and all I can do is laugh at myself! i'm so mean that i'm laughing at myself. Who does that???

Tell me WHO???

Don't make me come hurt you...

This is one of those things that makes me seriously ponder murder but only because I naturally exaggerate the extent of which something has affected my dignity, my feelings; me.

when someone asks you for your class notes and then they go over them, maybe one quick glance, maybe they REALLY look at them then they turn to you and say, "your notes are bad..."

WHAT?

HOLD UP!

let me ask you something eh...

1. Where are YOUR notes?????
 they tell you, "I didn't write any."

2. So then, how do you know that mine are bad?

3. Was I writing notes for US or was it not just for me?

4. Is there a standardized method as to which my notes can be written so that they please your highness, Queen of your own freaking world???!!!

5. Shall I re-attend the lesson so that your needs are met?!!!

Listen here.... this is not an advertising agency. I have not dedicated my existence to please you. I wrote notes that I can understand and if you can't too bad for you! You should have written your own damn notes son!

Grab my book and walk out.

Respect!

I'm out!

The road to developing my hulk-like strength

Dear Air Conditioning system,

I don’t know what I did to deserve you because you cannot seem to leave me alone. I’ll admit this amount of affection does flatter a girl but sometimes I feel like you give a double standard version of love. Here’s what I mean. Whenever I want cold air, you blow out hot air. When I want hot air, you blow cold air. You can understand why I wanted to get this letter to you so urgently. I had to rewrite and rewrite it until it was perfect.

Another thing though. I promise I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. Sometimes, the truth just needs to be said. There’s this button on you that is a man in a hut or something. I’m supposed to press this button when I want to turn you off. However, more often than not, you develop a serious case of mood swing horror that makes you feel special, magnificent, delightful and whatever other drug induced hallucinations you are prone to experience and you ignore the completely logical request and continue to shower me with your ...um affection.

Just in case you didn’t get me... it’s unwanted affection... I do not WANT it... that is specifically why I pressed the button... specifically!

ONE MORE THING, OKAY? THIS IS ME NOT SHOUTING, THIS IS ME SPEAKING THROUGH GRITTED TEETH. I LIKE THAT YOUR GREATEST TRAIT IS ENDURANCE BUT THIS IS BEDTIME FOR ME AND CLEARLY OUR SCHEDULES HAVE CLASHED. IF YOU COULD WAIT UNTIL I AM DEAD ASLEEP TO START WITH THE BLOWING OF THE SHUTTERS AND THE WORKING OVER TIME TO MAKE SURE MY ROOM TEMPERATURE IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I HAD PUT IN, I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT. I MEAN, YOU GET REGULAR NAPS DURING THE DAY AND I JUST WOULD LIKE TO GET MY BEAUTY SLEEP...

IF YOU CAN’T FOLLOW THAT ONE SIMPLE REQUEST THEN.... now I’m shouting... I WILL TRY FIND A WAY TO TEAR YOU OUT OF THE.... no, no let me rephrase... I WILL MAKE SURE I FIND A BUNCH OF GAMMA RAYS, ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE EXPOSE MYSELF TO THEM THEN DEVELOP HULK-LIKE STRENGTH SO THAT I CAN RIP YOU OUT OF THE CEILING AND SMASH YOU TO A PULP AND THEN GO AFTER YOUR CHILDREN!

Whoo...what a rush!

All in good faith...

 

I'm serious though...

LOL

TTYL

Toodles!

Smiley face implied.

Wairimu

P.S. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.... angry face implied!

 

I got an app

I got an app on my phone for the blog. I'm not sure why I hadn't thought of this before. Sometimes I feel my genius works against me. Like when I'm driving and I'm trying to avoid hurdles for example a human being. That's usually plenty difficult. Wait...what was I talking about again.

Ah rats... I've forgotten. And with that goes my point.

Someday soon I'll talk about signs and the new dog that lives in our compound but that I refuse to acknowledge because time and time again she attacks me as if I'm her best friend but instead ends up scaring me to death. That's right people I've died and come back again.

You can't get rid of me that easy! :-P

I still laugh when i hear the word...

…buttocks.

How I almost drowned my phone...

I almost drowned my phone today. It happened like half an hour ago.

I was arranging my room like I normally do when I decide to turn over a new leaf and become serious about my school work. Naturally, this happens every Monday, the new leaf not the arranging. The arranging happens when I get a kick from the universe.

So I’m having a test this week. Arranging my room calms me. And I am done in the hour I set out to do it. If the laptop I am using had a web cam I’d show you but this old thing…does not. I miss bluey…. I just named my old laptop. It had blue lights.

I sit down at my desk and I am suddenly ready to attack my work. But I need to put money into the modem so I can search and the credit has been sent to my phone. Hold on a second…where’s my phone???

Every time I lose something it becomes a world war. This was world war 937.

Yeah, I know, the numbers are off the charts, but such is my life.

I looked everywhere I could possibly think of. It had been on my bed so I did this rolling around thing like a dog but nothing. Then I started feeling for it under the duvet. I felt like a mouse searching the corners of a house for cheese, but nothing. No cheese… and so I asked myself… Who Moved My Cheese… pun heavily intended.

I ask the house help for some…help. I didn’t see that coming honestly. I try to call myself but nothing, she has no credit.

Here’s an idea! Maybe I can send her credit from my phone…wait ah crap! My phone is lost.

Here’s where the madness sets in. I’ve sent please call me messages to my friend and mother from the house help’s phone. They are not calling me. So useless!!!

And then I decide to write my suicide note…

Dear world,

It’s happened again. I lost my phone for the fiftieth time this week and it’s only Monday. I realize that this letter is a bit drastic. I haven’t any rope to hang myself, no gun to shoot myself and my pills are all antihistamines so all that is going to do is clear my nose and it won’t kill me. Please understand that I was here…for better references sing Beyonce’s song. It will help.

I don’t know why my first thought after losing my phone is to commit suicide but I’m certain the connection will come to me soon enough plus the plan on how it’s going to go down. So world….

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

I grab the house help’s phone almost dropping it.

Me: hello

Mum: hello Anna.

Me: mum it’s me.

Mum: Wa what are you doing with anna’s phone… ?
Me: I lost it.

Mum: what?

Me: in my room. I lost it in my room.

Mum: are you sure it’s in your room.

Me: yes mum. I had it just a few minutes ago.

Just because you lose like five phones, people start overreacting about the small things.  Okay maybe it’s been six…but who’s counting.

Mum: oh. So you want me to call it?

Me: yes please

Mum: that’s the reason why you wanted me to call you?

Me: yes!

Mum: mmmm…. Sawa.

I sit patiently waiting for my phone to begin vibrating. And then it does. I jump up thinking it’s in my bag but it’s not because when I scoop up my bag and dig inside like I’m looking for gold, I can’t find it. I can still hear it though.

I look at my laundry basket. No way did I put it there. unless…

I dive into the basket head and hands first. I plow through the pile until I reach my bed cover and start to unwrap it.

And there it is…my glorious phone in all grandeur. I pick up the call.

Me: hi mum

Mum: you found it.

Evidently!

Me: yes

Mum: where was it?

Me: in my laundry basket.

Mum: I can’t believe you at all.

Yes, that’s right people. I almost drowned my phone.

Like literally…

p.s ignore the suicide note. I am fine. Couldn’t find anything to off myself with especially COURAGE.

I'm just spit balling here...

Happy new year all you party people!!!!

unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, the world did not end. i always hoped the world would end while i was alive. i mean why would i want to be dead and then when i come back I'll be all zombie looking and weird and the hot guy whom i liked will be there and he'll be seeing me as a corpse with half eaten liver and fairly weird looking brain juice seeping out of my mouth. and because i would be a zombie, i would try to say something to him and it would come out all...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh...baga booga bagdlsikirkrighn...gskgkjgjusopwoihvcn..wklj.

Exactly.

i was seated in a matatu today and i was thinking about one of those traffic rules that have come up of late in Kenya. it was the one that says we pedestrians will pay a hefty fine if found not using a footbridge. 

my thoughts were this. the footbridge that leads to the matatus that i use to go home, is miles away from the stage itself. it also happens to be in front of a very active police station. i don't want to walk miles to a footbridge. i don't even know what distance a mile is without looking at Google. why would i want to subject my sexy bod to that kind of pressure? am i on a drug high?

i played a scenario in my head. I'm busy crossing the road and then suddenly i hear someone shout, "msichana! stop right there!!!"

this is where my Angelina Jolie kicks in! 

There is no way in hell i am stopping because a police man/woman wants to arrest me. no sirree! Wairimu will remember her athletic days and break into a sprint. she will ran away...fast. Only problem is CID is waiting for me. the cop could radio in, but I'm a fast thinker. Jump the Karura forest gate and suddenly my animal instincts.

I've watched hunger games...[because TV has all the answers *wink]. i know how to survive in the forest...I'd be there for days in a tree. avoiding berries, painting my skin green and brown to camouflage with my surroundings using, a special plant that i just made up.

and after seven days of hardcore survival...I'd finally get out and take matatu home...and be gone with the wind...having dramatic survivor stories to tell and knowing full well how to use a bow and arrow and thus enter the life of crime fighting...

or, i could just not get caught and enter the matatu and go home...it seemed to work today... =)