Revenge of the deadly

You guys won’t believe this but I was attacked... BY A MUTANT INSECT.

Okay, not so much a mutant insect but at the time it was as close as can get.

It was the day after my article on the bee that couldn’t fly, when I walked into the kitchen for midnight snack, at ten.

Little did I know that there was something waiting for me, something heinous, and something... out of this world.

Anyway, I’m skipping along probably singing at the top of my lungs like I do when I enter the store and bam! In front of me is one of those fat hairy caterpillars that are rumoured to cause rashes if they touch you. Naturally, I check for any exposed skin and right there are my innocent toes.

I instantly think back to the dead bee. Oh wait what was its name? Dumb, right.

If you’re normal you get how the two events are completely linked.

I decide I need calvary.

Me: daaaaaaaaad!!!

No answer, maybe they’ve gotten to him.

Me: daaaaaaad!!!!

Dad: yes wa?

Me: phew you’re safe.

Dad: what?

Me: I mean come and see! Come and see!

Dad: what is it?

Me: you have to come and see.

Silence

Me: daaaaaaaad!!!

Dad: okay I’m coming.

He’s not even in a hurry. I am being attacked by a caterpillar and he’s not even in a hurry. He shuffles towards me from the television room. He doesn’t even reach the kitchen before he decides to turn back. That’s after I’ve told him what the danger is.

Me: wait! You have to kill it!

Dad: leave it alone. Twain, will kill it.

Me: what? What if it comes upstairs and eats me instead, the caterpillar that is?

Dad: too bad.

My mouth drops. At the time you would think that it’s because of my father’s lack of concern over my obviously shaken state but I kid you not, it is not. Just at that moment, I notice that the caterpillar has a moth stuck to its body. It’s like they knew I was coming and so sent an extra pair of eyes to create an ultra insect. It’s like power rangers when they take all the rangers’ animals, put them together and form one big fighter robot.

Me: dad, it has two heads.

Dad: okay.

That’s just wrong. When your daughter tells you something has two heads, it’s probably best you find out what...

Quickly abandoning my midnight snack I race upstairs and ran to my mother whose ability to scare easily may make my father’s love for her spark him into action.

She’s in the shower so I have to shout through the door and doesn’t she hate that.

Me: muuuuuuuuuuuum!!!!

Mum: Wa, what is it??

Me: I’ve been attacked.

Mum: by what now?

Me: it was so scary.

Mum: eeeeh, what was it?

Ha, ha! Success!

Me: a caterpillar with the head of a moth.

Mum: ah, what is that?

Me: a HAIRY caterpillar with the head of a moth.

Emphasised words make all the difference.

Mum: ah, just that.

Just that? Just that? Does nobody understand the trauma that that can cause? It’s the equivalent of walking right into a hive of bees, theoretically of course. I think.

Me: mum, it was after me.

Mum: Wairimu get serious I am trying to shower.

Me: well, if I do say so myself.

Of course I never see the thing again because I am cautious enough not to go downstairs unless three things are happening:

1.  I am being attacked by something upstairs

2.  I am hungry to the point that I have imagined eating my teddy bears

3.  I didn’t have a third reason to make up on such short notice.

But just know one thing, when being attacked by any insect in the house, unless you are my mother who will scream until the neighbours wake up, do not call for help. Suck it in and let it pass.